What is the origin of the death cafe?
The aim of a death cafe is, simply put, for “people, often strangers, [to] gather to eat cake, drink tea and discuss death.”
The idea was first proposed by Swiss sociologist and anthropologist Bernard Crettaz. He organized the very first café mortel (death cafe) in 2004, in order to bring the subject of death out into the open. He wanted to help to reduce fear and dispel some of the secrecy that surrounds the topic.
Jon Underwood, a website developer from the UK, was inspired by Crettaz’s work and introduced the death cafe concept to London in 2011. He also built the Death Cafe website, which is a fantastic resource for anyone interested in finding out more. Following Jon’s own death in 2017, the website has continued to be developed and run by his mother, sister and wife.
Where can I find a death cafe?
Death cafes are now held in over 90 countries — from Afghanistan to Zimbabwe, and every letter of the alphabet in between! — with hundreds of thousands of people benefitting from the gatherings across Europe, North America, Asia and Australasia.
Those who attend find that becoming more comfortable with the topic of death helps them to live more fully and really appreciate the present.
It also gives them the knowledge and awareness to decide what’s truly important to them when they die, and exactly how they would like their passing to be commemorated.
The rules of a death cafe
There are a few important things to be aware of before attending a death cafe meeting:
- These are discussion groups, not support groups or counselling sessions. While death doulas, counsellors or people from other associated professions may be present, there is no set agenda and the focus is on informal discussion.
- They are always offered on a not-for-profit basis.
- Death cafes are committed to being accessible, respectful and confidential spaces, where everyone is free to share and learn.
- There is never an intention to lead someone to a specific conclusion, product or course of action.
- There should always be refreshing drinks and nourishing food!
Holding your own death cafe
If you love the idea of becoming more comfortable with the idea of death, or are facing your own mortality and would like to spend some time surrounded by supportive people, then you can find the closest death cafe to you by clicking on the handy map on the Death Cafe website.
Alternatively, you might like to set up your own gathering. The website has a free downloadable guide on how to do this that can be accessed here.
Conclusion
If we want to plan a funeral for ourselves that is truly personal and in keeping with our values and who we are as a person, then an important part of the process is becoming more comfortable with the concept of death itself. When we explore, question and challenge our beliefs and preconceived ideas, we also open ourselves up to considering options that we might not have before — whether that’s deciding we’d prefer a natural burial over conventional cremation, or perhaps one of the emerging forms of burial such as human composting.
Knowledge is power, and by having conversations like the ones held at death cafes, we can build our knowledge and allow ourselves to face the end with calm awareness, on our own terms.